How Long Shall We Blame Jonathan?

By Michael John

Finally we have witnessed change in Nigeria. Not the kind of change we expected because Santa Claus is yet to join the ruling party. The change is that the “change cry” is over. It is now very quiet on the “Western front.” The reality that all is vanity, according to the wisdom of King Solomon in the Bible is beginning to settle in. There was no way we were going to have change when all the connecting roads came from the past and the men who were driving the change agenda were those who had fed fat from yesteryears.

            

*Jonathan and Buhari

But the human mind is quite deceitful. All you need to fool and deceive an idiot that man is descended from monkeys is to show him a picture of a particular state governor side by side with a monkey. He may not bother to think that simply because someone Aki looks like Pawpaw does not make them brothers. So many were led to think that soon Nigeria would become a paradise. Hmm! instead it is nearly paralyzed.

But the Pied Pipers of change are still on the swing and leading some to Wonderland. Lai Mohammed, a jolly good guy and a find gentleman when he is asleep, is still the drum major. He has the uncanny ability to come up with the kind of answers which make you forget the questions. He claims that the reason the All Progressives Congress may not pay unemployed youths the five thousand Naira per person they promised to pay, during the campaigns, on assumption of office was because Goodluck Ebele Jonathan did not have the presence of mind to include it in the budget at the beginning of the year. Hmmm! What this means is that APC did not know that this was not a budgetary provision when they made the promise. They believed that since the Biblical Jonathan was a prophet, this Jonathan was also a prophet and would have known what the future holds. He should have know that change was coming.

The latest fad now in the “change business” is to blame all our woes on Jonathan and his aides. What a beautiful El Dorado Nigeria would have been if it were not for Jonathan and his men. Lets attempt to sing the APC swansong to an old nursery tune “If you are happy and you know it clap your hands.”

If you cannot pay salaries

Blame Jona ha ha

If you cannot stop Boko Haram

Blame Jona ha ha

If the President can’t find his shoes and no toothbrush to brush his teeth, then

Blame Jona ha ha

If you put a thief in your ministerial list

Blame Jona ha ha

If you cannot keep your promises

Blame Jona ha ha

If you cannot supply fuel to Nigeria

Blame Jona ha ha

If you cannot fight corruption and you take N25 billion and you know you’ve lost focus

Blame Jona ha ha…

I see many hands up and nodding already. I understand. This Jonathan is a bad guy. He is to blame for a lot of things – I mean everything. He had a running battle with Chief Olusegun Obasanjo, the Nigerian deity who lives in Otta Farm. This was at a time we were thinking of organizing a competition to determine the least attractive former president alive. I knew there would have been no need to rig the award to favour Nigeria – the facts speak for themselves. But then Jonathan came along and started trouble with Uncle Sege and that did not augur well for our plans. An angry Uncle Sege might have looked too handsome to win the coveted prize we were proposing. So we abandoned the project. No thanks to Jonathan.

Jonathan is the reason it rained non-stop in Edo State and good, old Governor Adams Oshiomole, poor man, could not do any project. One of the best kept secrets of the Goodluck Jonathan administration is that he hired rain makers who were paid a million Naira an hour to cause a havoc of rain in Edo State. This is a serious matter that the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission should look int and ask the rain makers to refund the money to the treasury.

Imagine what Adams would have done if it were not for the rain. For starters he would have attempted a plastic surgery to give his face a more sunny look. He would have built a skyscraper – but instead he was afraid that this was Noah’s flood all over again and, therefore, took a “siddon” look posture. I mean he did not want to touch the money of Edo State for fear that the world was coming to an end through a flood. He even toyed with the idea of building a boat for his family and decided it would be lonely in such a boat without a wife. Following the example of the first Adam and Noah, this Adam decided to marry and be ready… for the flood.

Many change criers are now on full retreat. Who would not be after queuing for days to buy fuel for five hundred Naira a litre. But that is part of the change, and we should blame Jonathan for it. For how long shall we blame Jonathan? Oh la la la. We will blame him in the morning, blame him in the evening, blame him in afternoon. blame him until the River Niger dries up. What if the River Niger fails to dry up, not our fault. In that case we blame him forever.

*Michael John is a newspaper columnist