By Tayo Ogunbiyi
Today, the phrase ‘a comedy of errors’ is often used to describe a
situation that is so full of mistakes and problems that it seems funny. On that
premise, it won’t be out of place to tag our nation as a Land of Comedy
of Errors. Things happen in our clime that you cannot but remember the
famous Charley Boy Show where anything can happen.
Ours is a land of lots
of comedies. Hardly have you finished savouring the amusing effect of a
particular national humor than you are faced with the prospect of another rib
cracking one. So, it is more of a one day, one comedy scenario.
Few months back, the whole world was given a dose of our
characteristic hilarious shows when the Economic and Financial Crimes
Commission, EFCC discovered a large sum of money in a house in Ikoyi, Lagos . EFCC operatives
allegedly found the cash during a sting operation. Specifically, the operatives
uncovered about $38m, N23m and £27,000 from the apartment. This comes two days
after EFCC operatives recovered ‚¬547,730 and £21,090 as well as N5, 648,500
from a Bureau de Change operator in Balogun Market, Lagos . Six days earlier, the EFCC had
recovered N449, 000, 860 hidden in an abandoned shop also in Lagos . Prior to these discoveries, several
millions of cash in different denominations have been discovered in bizarre
places such as water tanks, burial grounds, farmlands among others.
While the foregoing scenario might look odd to those in other
climes, it isn’t to us here. It simply follows a well known tradition of
carefully keeping government fund in choice places. Years ago, during the Second Republic ,
a huge amount of money was discovered at the Government House, Kano . It was then such a big scandal. But,
typically, the man at the center of it all, Barkin Zuwo, the then Kano Governor
never saw anything strange about the discovery. In his words: It is simply a
case of safe- keeping government money in government house.
While he was still in the saddle as the Governor, Central Bank of Nigeria ,
current Emir of Kano, Lamido Sule Lamido, once alleged that of the $67 billion
crude shipped by NNPC between January 2012 and July 2013, only $47 billion was
remitted to the Federation Account. According to him, given all the
issues raised, the NNPC needed to produce the proof that the $20billion
unremitted either did not belong to the Federation or was legally and
constitutionally spent. This was an era when there was a presidential
pronouncement that stealing was not corruption. So, it was not really
surprising that rather than paid him up for being a patriotic whistle blower,
everything was done by the powers that be to get rid of Lamido.
Ours is a nation of unending jokes. Many have insisted that our
survival instinct, in the face of so many mounting pressures, is deeply rooted
in our national comedies that are so numerous that it is difficult to arrange
them in order of prominence. Years ago, the country’s senior soccer side, the
Super Eagles became a butt of joke across the continent when its players had to
improvise by cutting off their tracksuits in order not to miss a match against Burkina Faso .
It was later discovered that officials who were to come with the team’s
jerseys forgot them at the hotel and unsuccessfully made efforts to retrieve
them. To others from different climes, this is odd. But to us, it is good
comedy.
As if to authenticate the high rating of the country as a land of
plenty comedy, new kid on the block, Philomena Chieshe, a sales clerk in the
JAMB office, Makurdi, recently added to our long list of rich comedies when she
could not account for N36 million she made in previous years before the
abolition of scratch cards. While trying to exonerate herself of any claim of
complicity in respect of the missing money, Chieshe alleged that her housemaid
connived with another JAMB staff, Joan Asen, to steal the money from the vault
in the account office through a weird snake.
Now, while it is true that ours is a land of bountiful comedy, this latest
episode seems to have been a joke taken too far. How did the snake manage to
swallow such a huge amount of money? How did it unlock the vault? How did it
move the money away from JAMB office? Did it crawl or fly? These are logical
questions that every sane mind would want to ask.
But then, the situation is an illogical one. It is one that defies
logic. This is because a spiritual snake is involved, and in the spiritual
realm anything can happen!
It is, perhaps, in order to confront the issue using the
appropriate spiritual approach that the senator representing Kaduna Central
Senatorial District, Shehu Sani, visited JAMB office accompanied by
distinguished snake charmers. Speaking about his mission to the office, Sani
said: I believe that the contribution I can make is to bring snake charmers
from my constituency to the JAMB office and to help them fish out the snake and
weed out snakes from their premises. Sani further said that if a snake could
actually swallow N36 million, one day Nigerians may wake up to say that a snake
had swallowed the country’s foreign reserve. Even if it is a spiritual matter,
we believe that these people I brought (the snake charmers) are some of the
best snake charmers in the country and they will help in arresting both
physical and spiritual snakes if there has been any in the JAMB office.
In an obvious response to the weird Makurdi snake event, the EFCC
on its official twitter page @officialEFCC added its own colourful dimension to
the issue when it twitted that: an eagle
(EFCC) shows no mercy for money swallowing snake(s). What the EFCC might,
however, have to be really cautious of is that a spiritual snake that is so
audacious to have defied a safe JAMB vault and could swallow N36 million in one
full swoop would be a tough one for any natural eagle to contend with.
Since ours is one huge comedy enclave, before long, we shall have
another hilarious funny story to deal with. Gradually, the world seems to be
taking note of our breathtaking brand of comedy. This is partly why we were
once ranked the happiest people on earth.
*Ogunbiyi is of the Lagos State Ministry of Information and
Strategy
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